2 weeks ago, my long time friend I met in school in England sent me a message told me he is coming to my city. I was so excited. Then I realised the last time I saw him was 19 years ago. He graduated a year before me. So that means I graduated 18 years ago. All those memories of me spending time in England came back to me. When my friend was here, we spent hours talking about what our lives like since we left school. He went to further his studies and now become a research scientist, a husband and a father to a 7 -year-old girl. I am very proud of him.

For a while, I kept thinking about how time flies, how I aged and where time has gone. Some memories seem like yesterday, some felt like a lifetime ago. 20 years of my life, how many of these days I was living a life consciously? Most felt like fast forwarded especially after I started working.

I kept a lot of pictures from the time I spent in England. My school days are not the happiest days of my life. I felt awkward and always tried to fit in but I could never be as cool as other kids in school. I was overweight, I hated my look even I tried exercise a lot and all. I left school and started working, a lot of things changed. From a slight overweight, unpopular, less than average looking girl, I became a woman, almost always the centre of attraction wherever I go, turn heads almost whenever I walked into the room.

But deep down in my heart, I always resented some part of me. I didn’t want to recognise the person I used to be as a child. I didn’t want people that I know now to see how I used to be. I was afraid if they see how I used to be, they will see me differently and will not love me that much. I secretly ashamed of my past. I didn’t know what I was feeling. One day I was cleaning my room and found lots of pictures of my childhood. I burned them all. I thought that’s me releasing my past. When I went to bed that night, I suddenly recognised my action of destroying all the pictures of my past isn’t releasing my past, it is denying that part of my life, that part of my life.

I saw I was broken there and it will not mend if I do not accept it as part of my life, part of me. From then on, I am never ashamed to tell people how I used to be when I was growing up. I started to realised how powerful my story of transformation is and I become proud of my past and people who know my past love me more. My stories had inspired some people around me and had made them believe that beauty is coming from within.

I am grateful I become the person I am today. My past doesn’t define me, it made me. But I do not want to carry my past with me because that would be too heavy to move forward. I know I do carry some of my past with me. So I try to always remind myself not to judge myself or others by my past because we do not live there anymore.

过去是人生的一部分

2个星期前我一位英国学校里认识的老朋友给我发了一封讯息说他将会来到我的城市里。我非常的兴奋。然后我算算后发觉我们最后一次见面竟然是19年前。他比我早一年毕业,那就是说我18年前毕业的。突然,我在英国的生活回忆涌上了脑海里。我朋友到了以后,我们坐了好几个小时谈我们离开学校后的生活。他离开学校后继续升学,现在可是以为科学研究专才,已为人丈夫和一位7岁女孩的好爸爸。我为他的成就感到非常骄傲。

那段时间,我不停的想时间是过得多么的快,我是年长了多么的多,时间到底去哪了?有些回忆就像昨天,但另一些却感觉像另一世的人生。20年的人生,到底有多少的生活我是有意识的过?大多数的这些日子,尤其是当我开始工作后,都像匆匆糊里糊涂的的过去了。

以前我都收集了不少英国生活的照片。学校生活不是我人生开心的日子。校园里我永远就是感觉尴尬,无论我怎么努力的混进群体我都不可能和其他孩子一样。我当时无论怎么样运动什么的,我的身材还是微胖,我讨厌我的样子。离开学校以开始工作以后,很多事情变了。从一位微胖,不受欢迎,样子低于一般的女孩,我成为了一位女人,差不多去到哪里都成为瞩目点,差不多每当走到哪里都吸引目光。

但是在我内心深处,我一直都怨部分的我。我不承认我过去的童年。我不愿意让现在我认识的朋友知道我过去怎么样的。我害怕他们知道以后会用不同的眼光看我,会不那么爱我。我暗地里为我的过去感到羞耻。我并没有意识到我当时的感觉。一天我清理房间的时候找到很多过去童年的照片。我把它们统统扔掉烧毁。我以为那是我对过去的解脱。当晚,我睡觉时,我突然意识到我烧毁旧照片的行为其实不是对过去解脱而是对人生过去的否认,对一部分的我否认。

我意识到那破碎的我,而如果我不接受这过去的话,那就将不会被修复。从那时开始,我告诉别人我的过去时不再感到羞耻。当我发觉到我人生转化的故事有股钱大的力量时,我更为我的过去感到骄傲而且知道我过去的人会更爱我。我的故事激励了我身边的一些人而让他们相信美丽是打从心里来的。

我感恩我成为今天的我。我的过去没有确定了我是谁,我的过去造就了今天的我。但是我不要刚这我的过去,因为刚着过去将会太沉重的往前走。我知道我多多少少都刚着过去,所以我不停的提醒自己不要以过去判断别人或自己,因为我们都不活在过去了。

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